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Thursday, September 19, 2019

You are what you tell yourself

What you believe to be true can be half-truth or a complete lie.

Thoughts are insanely quick judgements, conclusions you form in your mind. They are so quick, that only a trained, mindful-mind, if you will, is able to catch them. It’s a folly to associate their effect on us based on their short presence. These wily, slippery manifestations of our mind determine who we are and what we do.

From the moment you start having coherent thoughts till now, your brain had ample time to form a perception of yourself and the world.

If for 15 years of your life, like one of my counselling clients, you told yourself “I am a disappointment. I don’t know what I’m doing in my life. My friends are better off without me. They must be speaking behind my back. I am a failure. My family problems will melt away if I disappear”- you start believing it to be a fact. Your brain forms connections which play the song ‘You are a failure, you are lost in life, and your friends hate you’. Don’t blame your brain, it grows on what you feed it.

Our thoughts become so strong that we believe it to be absolute truth. ‘Taj Mahal is situated in Agra’ is an absolute truth. You thinking, “I am ugly” is your personal opinion, your belief. Even if a million people tell you that you are ugly, it is a million people’s opinion- it still doesn’t become a fact.

I’ll give another example. Human eye can’t see the UV rays. Does that mean they don’t exist? Just because our eyes lack the tools to see them, it doesn’t render them imaginary. Now if you only look at your flaws; remind yourself of the times you screwed up, did something embarrassing; you are closing your eyes to all the times you actually did great!

We are big hypocrites- us anxious, depressed lot. We use different measures to judge others and us. We celebrate a friend achieving a win. But if we do something good- “meh.. anyone can do it”. I’m one of the hypocrites too. All this talk of ‘see the glass as half full’ is easier said than done. Come night, I believe that the curtain movement is definitely a ghost.

What sets us different than people who are equally talented to us is the script going on in our heads. I’ve noticed that the confident inflate the importance and celebrate the smallest achievement, telling it to the whole world. They are telling themselves “It was challenging, but I did it. I can do anything I want to.” This sets them on a different path than us, we, who look at their achievements and conclude, "That person is so smart and talented. Here I can’t do a simple task. So useless I am”.

I, being a Mental Health Professional, am not immune to my irrational thoughts. It’s difficult to believe the contrary. Our irrational thoughts, however, wrecking they are, are our own Taj Mahal. Letting go of them means making changes in our life. Our brain and us, we don’t like change. It’s too much work. Our poor overworking brain took so many years to form those neuronal connections. Telling it to drop everything and jump onto the new bandwagon is same as telling me to learn to use an Apple laptop (Yes I called it a laptop not a Macbook). 

But the pros of using rational thoughts far outweigh using your old irrational thought system. The one and biggest pro I can think of, is this- It is for your growth. Habits are good. But they are good for things like brushing teeth or crossing road. Habits are not helpful when they support your proof-lacking, apathetic, confidence-killing irrational thoughts. If you want to grow, be happy or be successful, you need to change the song in your head.

How to overcome this huge, mighty mountain? It takes but a small, but determined step.

Being kind to yourself.

As soft and mushy as I sound, we need to be loving towards us as we are to puppies, kittens or babies. At the end of a tiring, bad day tell yourself “you got through it, you awesome person”. Give yourself that piece of cake after you achieve your goal. When you play rewind on your day when you go to bed at night, pause and revel at the moments when your colleagues said “oh that’s a great idea you suggested”, or when you are few short from reaching your documentation goal, or when your client quietly introspects the knowledge that what she has been telling herself is not absolute.

You are capable of much more.

And it all depends on what you tell yourself.

Monday, May 28, 2018

The bully

Unlike Disney,
Where Villains are blueish,
and walk with a background theme.
In reality,
they are regular people
outside,
And inside rife evilry.

They aren't all evil,
And ugly.
They are humans- with friends and families
And exist in all types of beauty.

They come to you under the guise of friendship
Making you believe they are good.
But when you turn around
and feel their faces have turned sour,
You've got yourself a bully.

They work covertly.
Playing your mind,
Making you paranoid,
Doubting yourself,
Crushing your spirit,
Your will to strive
And call out for help.

And you don't,
Coz you have been trained to be strong
And fight alone
Coz the bully has penetrated the minds of those
Who oughtta make a difference and they don't.

False promises of help keep you going
You burn,
You gasp
Till you can't take anymore.

And you quit..

because the battle was never yours.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

When the skies burst open

When the skies burst open, 
I heaved a sigh of relief.
My heart calmed down
As if rains 
are going to wash away my problems.
And leave my life bright and clean.

I put my hands out in the rain.
And wonder how a year has passed.
Rains are great time tellers.
My mind projects my life
In fast forward
And I smile.

It has stopped raining now.
But the clouds rumble in the distance,
Reminding us that they are still here.
Growling, 
waiting to crash into each other,
To create a lightning sword,
That Zeus would be proud of.
And a thunder that silences us mortals.

As I lie on my bed,
Soothed by the cold breeze wafting in,
Ignoring all my worries,
At this moment,
I am at peace.



Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The shower at the end of the day

The shower has become my lover

After a bad day,
It invites me in it's arms,
The water caressing my back
Soothing,
I stand there head bowed down.

It does well,
to hide the tears coming from my eyes,
Like rain.
It cools my head,
Takes the weight off my neck,
So I have the strength to look up.

Hoping to see my lover's kind eyes,
That face which reflects my pain in it,
Those arms which make me feel safe again,
That kiss which pours it's love in me.

But I'm greeted by water.

Which isn't foreign either.
Because in Water I was born,
Of Water, I'm alive
Water,
is me.







Sunday, February 26, 2017

The bitter truth

Someone please clear the air.
Take away this cloud of mist,
Render my senses bare.
Tell me for once.
Are we different?
Or are we the same?

If bodily we have contrasts,
Weren’t we the same at a time as fetuses?
A mild tweak gave you a penis
And me the lower sex.
Gave your parents joy,
And mine permanent worry lines.

Worry to make me an all-rounder;
a star in school, sports and house.
So that nobody raises a finger.
Worry to keep me safe.
Giving me the freedom to live my life,
“But be back before 10 pm”.
Worry if I become too liberal,
and not attract a suitor.
If I refuse to bog down,
If I rebel.

Is it a difference in strength?
How can it be?
If at home, girls have to sit and stay,
While boys their age get to play.
A Billion dollar beauty industry targets me.
Yet you step outside easily,
Your face devoid of any cream.

It takes a toll,
Being constantly on guard.
Getting goosebumps,and startled easily.
Screaming in sleep,
Every other week.
Coz now I’m trapped
And my scream saves me,
From a hand being forced on me.

All this,
Just because of a Vagina?

As much as I’m a feminist,
And love being an Eve, 
If given a do-over
I’ll take the way out.


I’d rather not be born.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Endless rush

In this rush of life,
Haven't you forgotten who you are?
Do you realise that your baths long just 5 minutes?
Your body doesn't get tenderly cared for,
But rubbed and scalded in the rush
The rush to catch train to work
Getting in a moving bus
Rushing through the day
Opening your dabba to the same old chapati-bhaaji
And rushing back home
I realised today that hugging yourself
Is stress relieving yet also saddening
What have I come to?
My happiness depends upon catching that empty train
And reaching home on time.
But then even home isn't rewarding
Weekends are spent lazing at home
Weekdays are spent looking forward to weekends
What am I searching for?
Without realising I've become my Hamster
Running in the wheel and reaching nowhere

Thursday, July 7, 2016

The long journey to you

Over 12 hours of road travel,
to come to you,
Because you fell sick suddenly,
and nobody knew.

Just the day before, I had spoken to you.
Making those fake promises to come meet you.
Which I always extended.
Studies, college, no time
And I really didn't get time to say goodbye.

48 hours since I got the news,
I kept praying to keep you alive.
In that journey to you, I kept praying too. 
Not once did it cross that you'd be gone. 
Repeated phone calls to get there sooner didn't tick me off too.

12 hours of road travel; of heat, nausea, dizziness, exhaustion.
When we entered the familiar territory, 
Somehow goosebumps started showing on my skin, 
I saw my mum silently weeping, 
I saw my sister staring blankly ahead.
And I lost all emotions.

We reached. 
I got off and ran barefoot
I saw my youngest uncle.
Suddenly so old, he hugged me very hard and let go.
I ran and met my other uncle,
who with a sad smile, let me go ahead. 
The whole gaon had converged to our house. 
I searched for my father's face for comfort 
And got only pitiful stares from strangers.

I stepped in,
And saw you on the floor.
The earth stopped rotating,
the force made me crash on the floor.

Strapped with flowers, cold since 12 hours.
I didn't receive my warm hug that day from you. 
You didn't even wait for me to say bye.
I didn't even cry as I kissed you goodbye.
Our last conversation will be the one where I lied to come see you soon. 

Little did I know you'd be gone forever.
Little did I know I'll be crying ever after.