The long journey to you

Over 12 hours of road travel,
to come to you,

Because you fell sick suddenly,

and nobody knew.

Just the day before, I had spoken to you.
Making those fake promises to come meet you.
Which I always extended.
Studies, college, no time
And I really didn't get time to say goodbye.

48 hours since I got the news,

I kept praying to keep you alive.
In that journey to you, I kept praying too. 
Not once did it cross that you'd be gone. 
Repeated phone calls to get there sooner didn't tick me off too.

12 hours of road travel; of heat, nausea, dizziness, exhaustion.
When we entered the familiar territory, 
Somehow goosebumps started showing on my skin, 
I saw my mum silently weeping, 
I saw my sister staring blankly ahead.
And I lost all emotions.

We reached. 
I got off and ran barefoot

I saw my youngest uncle.

Suddenly so old, he hugged me very hard and let go.
I ran and met my other uncle,

who with a sad smile, let me go ahead. 
The whole gaon had converged to our house. 
I searched for my father's face for comfort 
And got only pitiful stares from strangers.

I stepped in,

And saw you on the floor.

The earth stopped rotating,

the force made me crash on the floor.

Strapped with flowers, cold since 12 hours.

I didn't receive my warm hug that day from you. 
You didn't even wait for me to say bye.
I didn't even cry as I kissed you goodbye.

Our last conversation will be the one where I lied to come see you soon. 

Little did I know you'd be gone forever.
Little did I know I'll be crying ever after.

Love, not hate.

Love.
So innocent, soft and pure
comes in all sizes and shoes.
It's not for you and me to decide
which Love is wrong
and which is right.

Because Love is that gentle spirit,
not marked by your worldy shit.
Unbound, and unrestrained.
Free from the clutches
of your disdain.

The love of a mother for her girl,
of a girl for a boy,
of a boy for another boy.
of a boy for the world.

What good will ever come,
from pointing at it a gun.
Think not that you'll dissuade.
For love only grows, even in hate.

Its love, its love, it is only love,
that will save the world.
After that terrible storm,
the rainbow will shine again.
For the dead, and for the living,
Love will rise again.

Letter from a daughter

Note: This post was written around 2 years ago and was lying in Drafts.

Dear Papa,
     Awhile back I saw this video on Youtube (Dad..How are you? - Father's Day Special). It was released around Father's day. (I didn't wish you because you weren't in a happy mood that day and you must not even know that such a day exists.) So on YouTube there are various channels like those on tv and they post videos. There's this one channel called 'Emotional fulls'. Their videos are emotional just like their name suggests and their videos always make me cry. They are very touching.
     The video I specified earlier has different people talk about their Dads - how strict they were, and how the kids in their childhood would be scared of their Dads . There's this one thing of this particular video that struck me the most. A guy in the video confessed how his father asked for the directions to a nearby park from his son's house 5 times. The father yet did not go to the park for the fear of getting lost. Another said how his father couldn't book an online ticket and asked his son to do it for him.
     It was a normal day sometime last year. All four of us were at home. I was busy on my phone. You had turned on the laptop. After awhile you called me and asked me how to use the net. I froze. In my head a million things from "you taught me how to use a computer" "last year you helped me in using excel" to "old age" "Alzheimer's" whizzed by. I recovered and incredibly slow told you to how to open the browser and type in whatever you want on the google homepage.
     Such instances are recurring a lot these days. You forgetting your mobile or keys when you step out of the house. Stuff like "maazhya phone var net chalu karun de", "how to put phone to silent" "type this msg for me" is getting frequent than ever. And I am not being a  patient kid. I have shouted at you to "do it yourself", "just call the helpline they'll help you through the activation process", "later!".
     I am sorry Papa. I am very sorry. I hate myself for being like this. But I have a good reason for my rude behavior.
     This is not how it is supposed to be. You are my Papa who knows everything! When I started college, and still whenever I have to visit a new part of town, you tell me which bus to take. It scares me that you are asking me for help! Its just not right! You are my strong Dad! You solve my problems. But now I see this fear in your eyes which I stubbornly don't want to accept and understand. In a kid's eyes nothing bad can happen because his parents will see to it that he's safe. But this fear breaks away that bubble and now the world is a very scary place Papa. And on top of that you are getting old which is making me realize that I have to take up responsibilities now and take care of you and Mum.
     Suddenly I don't want to grow up. I just want to be a small child and go back to school where my worry was just the homework.
     But that's not going to happen is it?
     I don't know how you did it Papa. Took care of all of us. Faced the world and not let any bad thing affect us. I lived in a cocoon because I was well protected by you.
But now I am going to take care of you. I don't think I can ever match your cool and your patience. But I will start helping you out and teach you stuff like you taught me. Even if I have to tell you for the nth time that you access internet from the 'blue-coloured-circle' icon on your phone, I will breathe, and patiently tell you again (and try my hardest to not my fear let show)
     Because now I am your strong Papa.

Love,
Your grown-up daughter.

P.S.- I wish you never read this. We both will be a teary mess. ;)

This too shall pass

Do you remember that time,
when you wanted to chuck everything and run away?
The problem seemed so huge,
you felt your shoulders would give away.

That sickening feeling in your tummy,
the hair standing on your nape,
your hands getting clammy,
your thoughts all murky?

The moment,
before stepping in for your first interview,
before entering the gym the first time,
before jumping in the pool without the float

"All eyes on me"
"What if I screw this?"
"What if they laugh at me?"
"What if drown?"

"Wait... What's the worse that could happen to me?"
And you dive.

As you hit the water head on,
the splash breaks your fear in a million pieces,
with every push and stroke,
you reach closer to the goal.
Nothing can stop you now!

As you step out of the interview
head held high;
After a gruelling gym session
with feel-good body ache,
turning around and
seeing the length you've swum,
It was all worth it.

Like then,
Like everytime,

This too shall pass.
You shall conquer it all.

Heartbreak

The thing about love
is that noone told you about it's end
Books and films a full,
of love blossoming
Hardly you find a one,
about the end.

You don't just cry,
you lament,
at the times gone by,
you bawl,
at injustice to your heart
you whimper,
of being alone.
Because love has died, and with it
a part of you.

Days go by.
To hide your mourning,
you act
as your world hasn't tumbled on it's axis.
You work listlessly,
a spectre wandering about
instead of you.
And at night, you replay the moment again and again
"What went wrong?"
Until your eyes give in.

Months later, or years later,
you are a new person,
cursing that heartbreaker
to never be loved again,
whilst protecting yourself
from potential heartbreakers
But lovers alike.

Maybe you'll get over,
maybe you'll never.
It's just a rite of time.
Which I couldn't promise ends.

My Facebook Addiction

Due to many reasons, one being me addicted to this social networking website; I decided to stay off of Facebook. I logged off from the app and also the browser in my phone. Safe side I took off the app from my main screen too. That was the easy part.

What followed was difficult.
The next day I woke up and my hand automatically reached for my phone, I opened the browser and went on the website to find that I had logged out of it. It was then that I realised my last night's decision. The same action happened multiple times that day. After a while I realised that my phone was used by me mostly for Facebook, followed by Whatsapp, Snapchat, Instagram. I hardly ever use the phone nowadays for calling.
So that morning, which was a Sunday, I got up and started reading the newspaper during breakfast. A habit I used to dilligently exercise when I was in the 7th standard in school. After 2 hours, I had read the newspaper from front to last page (well that is an exaggeration, as I don't read the sports section. But I did read the whole editorial section, and all of the first page news). Sitting for 2 hours straight reading would have been a piece of cake for me in the pre-smartphone era. But it wouldn't have been possible today, as I keep checking my phone for any new updates from Viral social media websites like Buzzfeed, Scoopwhoop, BoredPanda, Cracked.com, and some Bollywood news websites. After so many years, I felt a pure feeling of achievement not marred by guilt of not giving all I've got for the task.
Afterwards I cleaned a whole shelf of old textbooks and notes. Right from 12 pm, till around at 9 pm in the night, breaking away only for food and some tv. This task which I've been procrastinating for years (I still have my BA notes), was finished in one day.
I did face certain difficulties.
1. The need to post what I'm doing. It made me crazy. "watching this film", "watching cricket". The need to tell someone 'exactly what I'm doing was so bad that at one point of time I was going to blab out loud a witty status when my whole family was taking a nap. The disgusting feeling stopped my from doing that though.
2. I didn't get to share with the world my happiness of Leo finally getting the Oscar, nor the songs I'm listening to, the films I watched.
But what I achieved in the past few days is gold.
1. My fingers got some well deserved rest from handling a huge phone and scrolling and tapping.
2. I hardly ever have to charge my phone.
3. My phone doesn't heat up.
4. My mind got some rest from the world. Social networking sites are full of problems going around in the world. Granted that they help you being in touch with what is happening in your country and world. But does stating your mind, having to defend your POV, pull your hair at the blatant disregard for fellow humans and animals is supporting the issue or even beneficial to you?

But all things are not so happy happy. I did cheat.
Now I am focused on Snapchat and Instagram. But here's the deal, there's only so much you can do on both these sites. You can check out the daily updates of certain websites on Snapchat, and Instagram gets really boring quickly. It's just pictures of mindless stuff sometimes, with equally mindless, unrelated tags. I did also go on twitter an tweeted about Leo.
Also I logged in to send a friend request on Fb. But I swear on myself that I logged out immediately afterwards.
So even after cheating on the 'Diet' I do find myself most of the time without a phone in my hand.

It's been a week since I was active on Facebook. And I'm alive and sane.
So now I'm going to log in again on Fb to share this post, I hope I come back alive!

My View- Coldplay-Hymn for the weekend

    

     India is getting increasingly intolerant. Aren't we hearing this quite often? And if you haven't heard it yet, be sure to watch the Newshour and you'll get your dose of the word 'intolerant' from Arnab 'The Nation wants to know' Goswami.
     I can't answer whether India is intolerant or no. Because having learnt research methodology I want proper numbers. Maybe we have always been intolerant; but you didn't feel it until a few years ago because you didn't have a large screened smartphone with fast internet, 2-3 social media apps, with viral-social-media websites giving you biased conclusions of a news report.
     You never know? Endless possibilities.
     Coming back to the topic, having seen the whole video Coldplay- Hymn for the weekend, I have no issues against the video. Nothing is out of the ordinary. You come across most of the shots, locations the minute you step out of your house, whether you live in city or rural areas.
     A few years back people celebrated Slumdog Millionaire winning an Oscar as if it was produced, directed by an Indian. That film actually set foreigners perception of India as a poor, filthy country more than a 4 minute song. But the latter is facing so much ire.
     What is the problem with people playing Holi in the video? Does it have to be put bluntly in the video with a calendar showing the day as "Rangpanchmi" for them to celebrate the festival?
     If you have a problem with Beyonce's every inch of skin decked up with jewellery? Please go turn on your tv to any Hindi entertainment show, and you'll see women sleeping with those massive jewellery and makeup on.
     Bringing me to the recurrent occurences of Sadhus, and children dressed as gods in the videos. A country obsessed with religion. Ask yourself truly, are we not? If Sadhus in India can sell noodles and another following suit, can't they be in the video being themselves? And every fancy dress show you'll find atleast 1 kid dressed up as Hanuman and everyone gushing over how cute the child looks.
     And if you think the video is adding to the image of India as a fire-blower, snake charmer country, you should know that the India's highest rated TV show is 'Naagin' on Colors Tv, a show with 'Ichchadhari Naag and Nevla (mongoose). Other top rated shows include one with kaala jaadu (black magic), possession etc.
     If you live in a city like Mumbai, you come across almost everything that happens in the video everyday- slums, people celebrating some festival and blocking traffic, sadhus, beggars, child labourers.

     I accept that there is also another India, where people wear formals, brave traffic or crowded public transport, have lunch between 1-2, and come back in the same way. But that doesn't make the former portrait as false. Both exist.
     
    P.S.- One hindi news channel had a problem with the shot of a person smoking, saying it is portraying that drug taking behaviour happens in India. Shouldn't you, being a news channel, know more about the drug problem?