The long journey to you

Over 12 hours of road travel,
to come to you,

Because you fell sick suddenly,

and nobody knew.

Just the day before, I had spoken to you.
Making those fake promises to come meet you.
Which I always extended.
Studies, college, no time
And I really didn't get time to say goodbye.

48 hours since I got the news,

I kept praying to keep you alive.
In that journey to you, I kept praying too. 
Not once did it cross that you'd be gone. 
Repeated phone calls to get there sooner didn't tick me off too.

12 hours of road travel; of heat, nausea, dizziness, exhaustion.
When we entered the familiar territory, 
Somehow goosebumps started showing on my skin, 
I saw my mum silently weeping, 
I saw my sister staring blankly ahead.
And I lost all emotions.

We reached. 
I got off and ran barefoot

I saw my youngest uncle.

Suddenly so old, he hugged me very hard and let go.
I ran and met my other uncle,

who with a sad smile, let me go ahead. 
The whole gaon had converged to our house. 
I searched for my father's face for comfort 
And got only pitiful stares from strangers.

I stepped in,

And saw you on the floor.

The earth stopped rotating,

the force made me crash on the floor.

Strapped with flowers, cold since 12 hours.

I didn't receive my warm hug that day from you. 
You didn't even wait for me to say bye.
I didn't even cry as I kissed you goodbye.

Our last conversation will be the one where I lied to come see you soon. 

Little did I know you'd be gone forever.
Little did I know I'll be crying ever after.

Letter from a daughter

Note: This post was written around 2 years ago and was lying in Drafts.

Dear Papa,
     Awhile back I saw this video on Youtube (Dad..How are you? - Father's Day Special). It was released around Father's day. (I didn't wish you because you weren't in a happy mood that day and you must not even know that such a day exists.) So on YouTube there are various channels like those on tv and they post videos. There's this one channel called 'Emotional fulls'. Their videos are emotional just like their name suggests and their videos always make me cry. They are very touching.
     The video I specified earlier has different people talk about their Dads - how strict they were, and how the kids in their childhood would be scared of their Dads . There's this one thing of this particular video that struck me the most. A guy in the video confessed how his father asked for the directions to a nearby park from his son's house 5 times. The father yet did not go to the park for the fear of getting lost. Another said how his father couldn't book an online ticket and asked his son to do it for him.
     It was a normal day sometime last year. All four of us were at home. I was busy on my phone. You had turned on the laptop. After awhile you called me and asked me how to use the net. I froze. In my head a million things from "you taught me how to use a computer" "last year you helped me in using excel" to "old age" "Alzheimer's" whizzed by. I recovered and incredibly slow told you to how to open the browser and type in whatever you want on the google homepage.
     Such instances are recurring a lot these days. You forgetting your mobile or keys when you step out of the house. Stuff like "maazhya phone var net chalu karun de", "how to put phone to silent" "type this msg for me" is getting frequent than ever. And I am not being a  patient kid. I have shouted at you to "do it yourself", "just call the helpline they'll help you through the activation process", "later!".
     I am sorry Papa. I am very sorry. I hate myself for being like this. But I have a good reason for my rude behavior.
     This is not how it is supposed to be. You are my Papa who knows everything! When I started college, and still whenever I have to visit a new part of town, you tell me which bus to take. It scares me that you are asking me for help! Its just not right! You are my strong Dad! You solve my problems. But now I see this fear in your eyes which I stubbornly don't want to accept and understand. In a kid's eyes nothing bad can happen because his parents will see to it that he's safe. But this fear breaks away that bubble and now the world is a very scary place Papa. And on top of that you are getting old which is making me realize that I have to take up responsibilities now and take care of you and Mum.
     Suddenly I don't want to grow up. I just want to be a small child and go back to school where my worry was just the homework.
     But that's not going to happen is it?
     I don't know how you did it Papa. Took care of all of us. Faced the world and not let any bad thing affect us. I lived in a cocoon because I was well protected by you.
But now I am going to take care of you. I don't think I can ever match your cool and your patience. But I will start helping you out and teach you stuff like you taught me. Even if I have to tell you for the nth time that you access internet from the 'blue-coloured-circle' icon on your phone, I will breathe, and patiently tell you again (and try my hardest to not my fear let show)
     Because now I am your strong Papa.

Love,
Your grown-up daughter.

P.S.- I wish you never read this. We both will be a teary mess. ;)

This too shall pass

Do you remember that time,
when you wanted to chuck everything and run away?
The problem seemed so huge,
you felt your shoulders would give away.

That sickening feeling in your tummy,
the hair standing on your nape,
your hands getting clammy,
your thoughts all murky?

The moment,
before stepping in for your first interview,
before entering the gym the first time,
before jumping in the pool without the float

"All eyes on me"
"What if I screw this?"
"What if they laugh at me?"
"What if drown?"

"Wait... What's the worse that could happen to me?"
And you dive.

As you hit the water head on,
the splash breaks your fear in a million pieces,
with every push and stroke,
you reach closer to the goal.
Nothing can stop you now!

As you step out of the interview
head held high;
After a gruelling gym session
with feel-good body ache,
turning around and
seeing the length you've swum,
It was all worth it.

Like then,
Like everytime,

This too shall pass.
You shall conquer it all.

Heartbreak

The thing about love
is that noone told you about it's end
Books and films a full,
of love blossoming
Hardly you find a one,
about the end.

You don't just cry,
you lament,
at the times gone by,
you bawl,
at injustice to your heart
you whimper,
of being alone.
Because love has died, and with it
a part of you.

Days go by.
To hide your mourning,
you act
as your world hasn't tumbled on it's axis.
You work listlessly,
a spectre wandering about
instead of you.
And at night, you replay the moment again and again
"What went wrong?"
Until your eyes give in.

Months later, or years later,
you are a new person,
cursing that heartbreaker
to never be loved again,
whilst protecting yourself
from potential heartbreakers
But lovers alike.

Maybe you'll get over,
maybe you'll never.
It's just a rite of time.
Which I couldn't promise ends.

Being a woman

As a woman of this world,
I have a lot of responsibilities on my shoulders.

I have to be pretty all the while
But dress appropriately so as not be the object of everyone's eyes

I have to be mature, take my own decisions
But stay in my limits,
Coz duh! Girls have limited brain function

I have to take it as a compliment when people say "wow you can drive"
Coz for us right is left
And patriarchy is right.

I must have long hair
Can't cut them short.
Coz lambe baal is positively correlated to the amount of sanskaar

I have to go gaga at every baby i see;
even though they are wailing and disturbing my sleep;
Coz i hold baby making apparatus in me

When i'm angry, or sad it's always because of the unfertilised egg leaving me
Not because the external circumstances like a guy being a douche to me

I have to sit with my legs crossed, or close together
Coz keeping them wide open is code for "come at me"

And finally,
I have to analyse all the things that go wrong with me
Cross-examine myself
Coz it's all because of me
Because i'm a woman

Grim Realizations

Life is but one,

Comes with a clock

Ticking to the end. 

Tick

Excel in studies

Tock

Excel in work

Tick

Excel in relationships

Tock

Excel in life 

And you forget to have fun

Forget to quench your existential thirst

And then you are ashes.

Sadly you aren't a phoenix.

Thoughts in my mind

My mind is a black hole
sucking matters from everywhere
It lacks the filter
which shuts out things, and people
who should not be cared

For the mind can handle only so much of stress
Contradicting my psychology texts

Swirling around, like thoughts in a pensieve
Nowhere to go

Trapped in my mind
Trapping me in my life.

Poets are bonkers

Just to prove myself i can
As Eminem would say "God damn!"
I'm gonna write and write
Till i get a rhyme alright!

I'll compose a poem, folks!
After what seems like ages ago
Will consider it a thousand bucks
Even if it just sucks!

Won't write about love,
I'll give myself a (heart) break
No to the issues!
Gosh! Who wants to delve in it.
Rape, Murder, Corruption!
Why give myself a strain?
As if i can prevent it with my pen.

Talking about strain,
My head gives me such a pain
As certain people do
I so wish to shove them in a loo!

"You are really going loony, aren't you Prachi?" says me with a British accent
"Oh i'm so scared, Prachi keeps forgetting things" chips in the Anxious one
"Oh! won't it be cool for a psychology student to be admitted in a mental institution!" the Curious Prachi shouts out.

The British accent kills the Cat
And the Anxious cleans up after..

Curiosity and Mewing dint ever go together.

Poets, are bonkers.

The fickle mind

The sound of the rain,
the smell of the fresh, wet earth,
-the touch of the water on my skin.

The goofy look of yourself,
the spark when our arms brush,
-the smile on my lips.

The view of my building,
the dog at the entrance,
-the feeling of coming home.

The characters in a book,
the emotions they go through,
-the joy of being human.

The warmth of chocolate in my mouth,
the calmness around me
-the life that I live

I live.

Tranquility

Sitting on the window ledge,
feeling the cool wind on my face,
a smile creeps on my face..

I take in a deep breath,
liking the coolness surging through my throat,
willing it to go further and soothe my chest.

I close my eyes and feel everything else;
the air tickling my toes,
the call of the nocturnal creatures,
oh and that waft of slight chill...
Absolutely Perfect!

In this world of desire and hatred,
this is my happy place,
where I realise your Existence again and again...

All I want now is to sleep on a soft cloud,
with you lulling me to sleep,
stroking my hair and face...

Your creation is really a beautiful place!