The long journey to you

Over 12 hours of road travel,
to come to you,

Because you fell sick suddenly,

and nobody knew.

Just the day before, I had spoken to you.
Making those fake promises to come meet you.
Which I always extended.
Studies, college, no time
And I really didn't get time to say goodbye.

48 hours since I got the news,

I kept praying to keep you alive.
In that journey to you, I kept praying too. 
Not once did it cross that you'd be gone. 
Repeated phone calls to get there sooner didn't tick me off too.

12 hours of road travel; of heat, nausea, dizziness, exhaustion.
When we entered the familiar territory, 
Somehow goosebumps started showing on my skin, 
I saw my mum silently weeping, 
I saw my sister staring blankly ahead.
And I lost all emotions.

We reached. 
I got off and ran barefoot

I saw my youngest uncle.

Suddenly so old, he hugged me very hard and let go.
I ran and met my other uncle,

who with a sad smile, let me go ahead. 
The whole gaon had converged to our house. 
I searched for my father's face for comfort 
And got only pitiful stares from strangers.

I stepped in,

And saw you on the floor.

The earth stopped rotating,

the force made me crash on the floor.

Strapped with flowers, cold since 12 hours.

I didn't receive my warm hug that day from you. 
You didn't even wait for me to say bye.
I didn't even cry as I kissed you goodbye.

Our last conversation will be the one where I lied to come see you soon. 

Little did I know you'd be gone forever.
Little did I know I'll be crying ever after.

Letter from a daughter

Note: This post was written around 2 years ago and was lying in Drafts.

Dear Papa,
     Awhile back I saw this video on Youtube (Dad..How are you? - Father's Day Special). It was released around Father's day. (I didn't wish you because you weren't in a happy mood that day and you must not even know that such a day exists.) So on YouTube there are various channels like those on tv and they post videos. There's this one channel called 'Emotional fulls'. Their videos are emotional just like their name suggests and their videos always make me cry. They are very touching.
     The video I specified earlier has different people talk about their Dads - how strict they were, and how the kids in their childhood would be scared of their Dads . There's this one thing of this particular video that struck me the most. A guy in the video confessed how his father asked for the directions to a nearby park from his son's house 5 times. The father yet did not go to the park for the fear of getting lost. Another said how his father couldn't book an online ticket and asked his son to do it for him.
     It was a normal day sometime last year. All four of us were at home. I was busy on my phone. You had turned on the laptop. After awhile you called me and asked me how to use the net. I froze. In my head a million things from "you taught me how to use a computer" "last year you helped me in using excel" to "old age" "Alzheimer's" whizzed by. I recovered and incredibly slow told you to how to open the browser and type in whatever you want on the google homepage.
     Such instances are recurring a lot these days. You forgetting your mobile or keys when you step out of the house. Stuff like "maazhya phone var net chalu karun de", "how to put phone to silent" "type this msg for me" is getting frequent than ever. And I am not being a  patient kid. I have shouted at you to "do it yourself", "just call the helpline they'll help you through the activation process", "later!".
     I am sorry Papa. I am very sorry. I hate myself for being like this. But I have a good reason for my rude behavior.
     This is not how it is supposed to be. You are my Papa who knows everything! When I started college, and still whenever I have to visit a new part of town, you tell me which bus to take. It scares me that you are asking me for help! Its just not right! You are my strong Dad! You solve my problems. But now I see this fear in your eyes which I stubbornly don't want to accept and understand. In a kid's eyes nothing bad can happen because his parents will see to it that he's safe. But this fear breaks away that bubble and now the world is a very scary place Papa. And on top of that you are getting old which is making me realize that I have to take up responsibilities now and take care of you and Mum.
     Suddenly I don't want to grow up. I just want to be a small child and go back to school where my worry was just the homework.
     But that's not going to happen is it?
     I don't know how you did it Papa. Took care of all of us. Faced the world and not let any bad thing affect us. I lived in a cocoon because I was well protected by you.
But now I am going to take care of you. I don't think I can ever match your cool and your patience. But I will start helping you out and teach you stuff like you taught me. Even if I have to tell you for the nth time that you access internet from the 'blue-coloured-circle' icon on your phone, I will breathe, and patiently tell you again (and try my hardest to not my fear let show)
     Because now I am your strong Papa.

Love,
Your grown-up daughter.

P.S.- I wish you never read this. We both will be a teary mess. ;)

Heartbreak

The thing about love
is that noone told you about it's end
Books and films a full,
of love blossoming
Hardly you find a one,
about the end.

You don't just cry,
you lament,
at the times gone by,
you bawl,
at injustice to your heart
you whimper,
of being alone.
Because love has died, and with it
a part of you.

Days go by.
To hide your mourning,
you act
as your world hasn't tumbled on it's axis.
You work listlessly,
a spectre wandering about
instead of you.
And at night, you replay the moment again and again
"What went wrong?"
Until your eyes give in.

Months later, or years later,
you are a new person,
cursing that heartbreaker
to never be loved again,
whilst protecting yourself
from potential heartbreakers
But lovers alike.

Maybe you'll get over,
maybe you'll never.
It's just a rite of time.
Which I couldn't promise ends.

The ever-debated question 'What is Life?'

Life. Can one ever operationally define it?
Let's try.
Life-something opposite to and preceeding death

But that is debatable. It may or may not be just life and death. It can be a cycle -no start, no end. A continuous circle of repetitive life and death.
We can also argue that death is not the end of life. It can be Life in a different avatar.

How can we ever know what death is?
How can we ever make up our minds about something that we have no idea of? It is just like judging a new girl in class- making assumptions based on her clothes and accent. The person may turn out to be what you thought she would be or she maybe a world apart and than what you thought. The same is with death.
Why do we see it is as something dreadful?

So coming back to Life.
Everyone's perception about life is subjective and so is life itself. There is no one perfect, proper life. I wonder how Plato would describe Life in his 'World of Ideas'. He said that there is a perfect world somewhere and everything that we know is a copy image of the perfect thing. So the table that you see burdened by your books is sort of like a xerox copy of a single perfect table in the world of ideas.

So how must be a 'perfect life'? 
Is it being rich and having all the luxuries?
Or having nothing and still feeling contented?

How do I see my life? 
Truth be told I ponder over my life most if not all the time. It may top my list of thoughts thought and beat others by a huge margin.

  When you have to define something you can do it by comparing it with something else.
If I compare my life with my relatives and friends, then I am good just as they are.
If I compare to the richest people in the world, well, I don't have a diamond studded bathtub nor am I crying for one. However, I am not starving either.
If I compare it to the people who don't have anything, who have days when they don't have one meal to go in their tummies; are diseased, isolated, then I have everything that I could ever ask for.
But what did I do to deserve this beautiful life that I am living? Why can i step out and go to college when there are others who can't? What have I done to deserve parents who love and protect me, who have created this safe haven for me to live and enjoy when there are infants discarded in dustbins? When a girl is abused by her own family? When a gay is not accepted by his own family?

Why have I won the lottery to Life?

Why do people suffer?
Why do people torture?
Is that what's their Life?
Is that what they're after?

But why are someone blessed?
And the others cursed?
Is it past life karma?
But can't they be forgiven?

What's in store for me?
What do I have in me?
Do I even mean something?
Or am I just a Star destined to be dust
and then brushed,
aside.
Does my living even matter?